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by endocranium
Summary: The thoughts and impressions of each member of the Cullen family as Bella puts her mortality to a vote in chapter 20 of New Moon.
1. Edward

**AN: I thought this was a really interesting moment – when Bella decides to put her mortality to a vote. All the ****Cullens**** are there, and they mostly gave one word answers, but I always figured they had to be thinking more than that. Voila! Another story! Each chapter is one member of the Cullen family, and their thoughts/impressions as they decide whether or not Bella is to be turned. **

**I did want to make a few things clear… the views the characters express are purely for literary purposes – when religion is mentioned at all, it isn't anything except what the character happens to be thinking (in my imagination).**

**Disclaimer: All quotes from ****New Moon****, by Stephenie Meyer**

* * *

_"Please let me finish. You know what I want – and I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then… I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have them coming here." My forehead creased as I considered that._

_There was the faint rumble of a growl in Edward's chest. I ignored him._

_"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."_

_I looked towards Edward this time; it would be better to get his opinion out of the way. "Do you want me to join your family?"_

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

Don't think I didn't realize how that question was worded – a loaded question, humans called it. No answer that could give real satisfaction to anyone. 

Did I want her to join my family? Was she _insane_? I wanted her – much, much more than she could ever understand. I wanted nothing more than to turn her then and there, to hold her hand as she woke from the change, and to kiss her without reservation or fear that I would hurt her. I wanted to marry her, to make her mine in every possible sense of the word.

Oh, yes. I wanted her for the rest of time – the rest of my miserable existence. If I had my way, I would hold onto her with everything I had and never let her go.

But that wasn't _really _what was being asked here. She wanted something I refused to give her - to lose her soul, to be condemned to an existence of preying on animals, barely satisfying her thirst, and never knowing if she'll slip up. And one day, when she does make a mistake, to live with the agony of knowing that she took a human life. To sit back and watch her family and friends die, knowing that she can never follow them. I felt a snarl on my lips, and choked back the growl that rose up at the thought of Bella – pure, innocent Bella – living every day with the torture that was our reality.

We had been through this before. Me wanting to sacrifice my happiness for her own good. I had tried it, thinking she would be better off and move on without me. And a small part of my mind argued that that was evidence enough – after all, look how that had turned out – and that perhaps I didn't know what was best for her.

She didn't - couldn't – realize what she was speaking of giving up so casually. What she was _planning_ to give up. Because I knew already what my family would say – it was the curse of my gift; I knew I was already outvoted, and indeed, had lost the moment she set foot in this house, not caring that we drank blood, only seeing the last vestiges of goodness in our eyes. Alice had seen her changing from the start. They loved her.

If she wasn't turned, she would die. I remembered her harsh words in the hospital after she was attacked by James – that one day she _would_ pass, whether from sickness or age or an accident, as she was so prone to. I _would_ have to stand by and watch her casket lowered into the ground, knowing that her soul was beyond me. And I knew that my reaction would be no different than it was this time – I never planned to outlive her by long.

But things had changed, somehow. We had tried separation – neither of us could live with it. Why couldn't she see that I would be with her until the end of her days, whether or not she was immortal? That the only reason I denied her was because I loved her too much.

Maybe she did know. Maybe she was doing the same thing I was – putting someone else first. Maybe the reason she wanted to be turned was so that I wouldn't destroy myself after she died, and wouldn't suffer. But could I live with _myself_, knowing that I was the reason she had made the ultimate sacrifice?

I had asked myself this same question, sitting in a small attic room, having heard of her "death," just days ago.

The answer was still no.

My eyes were hard and angry, though I knew it wouldn't perturb her. "Not in that way. You're staying human."

Maybe if I kept telling myself that, I'd eventually believe it.

But I doubted it.


	2. Alice

_I kept my face business like, and then moved on._

_"Alice?"_

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

I knew Edward would have already known the answer my family was going to give, just as I did. It made me smile slightly, realizing that all of them were decisive – there was no wavering in any of their answers, just as there would be none in mine. 

This future had been present since the first time Edward spoke to Bella – the first time I'd caught a glimpse of her with the whitest skin and golden eyes. Every bone in my body had told me she was important, and I had prepared myself to have her around for a very, very long time.

Bella had always been sweet – one of the nicest people I knew. She was free of all the pretenses that so many girls her age hid behind, and was genuinely protective of everyone she loved. And I knew she loved Edward – the bond between them was so strong it was nearly tangible. Two halves of a whole – without the other, incomplete. I'd seen that clearly these past few months.

It had been worse than before he'd met her – much worse. Having had that love and passion for a few brief moments, only to have it ripped away had nearly killed him. And when I'd peeked at Bella's future surreptitiously, I knew it was killing her too.

I asked myself how it would be, having Bella as a sister for the rest of time, and I realized that I already knew. She was already been family – she would just be a little less… breakable. Which, I considered, might be good, knowing her talent for getting into dangerous situations.

Edward would be furious. I glanced at him – his head in his hands, bent over – he was already defeated and he knew it. I almost felt sorry for him, but he was being obtuse.

_What would I do if it were Jasper_, I asked myself. If I had to decide for him. Well, that was easy – there's no way I'd let _him_ go. Maybe I was looking at it wrong. I remembered that Edward and Carlisle had often argued about religion – the state of their souls, and what awaited them in whatever afterlife there was for us. I'd never paid much attention; having grown up in an asylum, I'd never been to church, and to be honest, I simply didn't know much about the subject.

But Edward seemed to be under the impression that he was condemning Bella to an eternity of hellfire and damnation, which was certainly slightly off-putting, although not too much of a consideration if you lived forever.

It didn't make sense to me, though. Surely whatever higher power there was out there, if there was one, wasn't like that. Who could look at Bella – currently sitting patiently with her eyes shining, and her hands folded peacefully in her lap – and say that she had to suffer simply for loving without reservation? Who could see Jasper's continuing struggle to be good, Emmett's perpetual cheerfulness, Rosalie's passion, Emse's heart, and Carlisle's unadulterated humanity and honestly think that they deserved less than the highest reaches of Heaven?

No, I couldn't believe in a God who would condemn these people – my family – to darkness. Edward was wrong – had to be wrong. Bella was everything that she should be, and everything that my brother needed. I wasn't about to stand back and let him suffer again.

"Yes."


	3. Jasper

_"Jasper?"_

_I was a little surprised—I hadn't been at all sure of his vote—but I suppressed my reaction and moved on._

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

I lost track of how many human lives I had taken after 43 – or rather, I stopped counting. At that point, I hadn't cared. What was one more life if it quenched the burning thirst inside of me? I think it's that apathy that bothers me to this day, even more than the actual murders I've committed. If I could just remember their names, perhaps I'd have a bit of release. 

Alice was – is – my salvation. I know that without her, it would be nearly impossible to abstain from hunting humans however great my revulsion towards myself. But that one girl – all 4'10" of her – managed to turn my existence upside-down and inside-out. From the first time I met her, sitting in that filthy diner, radiating emotions that I'd never felt before, I knew she was special. Alice made all the difference.

_"You've kept me waiting a long time_," she had said. And I had ducked my head and apologized, reverting to my human mannerisms that my mother had drilled into me from age 4. She tended to bring that out in me – yet another one of her gifts.

So it was impossible to imagine living without her.

When we'd finally found the Cullens and convinced them to let us join their coven, I'd been surprised by several things. Their "vegetarian" diet, for one. But mostly, by Edward. Vampires tend to stick to small covens, because of the tendency to fight, but we still crave companionship. And when a Vampire chooses a mate, they love with a passion deeper than others, and they never cease to do so.

Emmett and Rosalie were obviously dedicated to each other. Carlisle and Esme were the same – constantly touching, smiling, and holding hands. Alice and I had quickly developed a similar bond.

But Edward remained alone. On nights when the family gathered to spend time together, he would make excuses. The music he wrote on his piano was dark and brooding, and he had a tendency to shut himself up in his room for days, doing goodness knows what. All I knew was that I could feel the emotions radiating from him like heat from pavement. He was lonely, frustrated, and jealous.

It took me years to realize that he kept away from us because he couldn't stand to see so much love and not be able to take part in it.

So when I stared into Bella's eyes, I knew what she was asking. She wasn't asking for the right to be immortal, or to run faster than human eyes could follow. Hope and love exuded from her with such intensity that I was nearly overwhelmed. Alice gave me a soft smile, and took my hand under the table.

No, Bella wasn't asking to be a vampire. She was asking permission to follow Edward wherever he went in the only way that she possibly could. His salvation, just as Alice had been to me.

Edward had kept her waiting for a while. She might have thought he would never show up. But he did. And even if he didn't know it, I did –this girl would drag him out of the darkness he'd imposed upon himself and show him how to truly live.

"Yes."


	4. Rosalie

_… I suppressed my reaction and moved on. "Rosalie?"_

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

Many Vampires gradually lose their human memories over time, simply because they represent such a small part of their existence. What's 20 years, really, if you're going to live forever? 

I remembered, though. I made myself remember, to remind myself why I was here and what my reasons were for acting as I did. I knew I was selfish – conceited, arrogant, and superficial – there was no denying that. And really, I'd long since lost any remorse I felt about that; it was my identity.

The emotions I remember most clearly from that brief lifetime are jealousy and anger, really. Jealousy because I will never lose the image in my head of a beautiful little boy with curly black hair and dimples, clinging to his mother as she looked down on him with pure adoration in her eyes. And the look on her husband's face as he kissed her cheek, ruffling his son's hair, and talking nonsense to the boy for no reason other than joy at being reunited… I hadn't expected true love when I was alive, but I had held out hope for that child.

My child would have been beautiful – golden curls, blue eyes, just like me. Perhaps a little girl, who I would purchase dresses for, brush her hair on the night of her first ball, and teach to never let a man get the best of her. Or a son – handsome, polite, who I would raise to be the perfect gentleman.

And now I would never have that. I had been so close – just about to have everything I had ever wanted, when that stupid, brute of a man ruined everything. My worthless ex-fiancé. A wry smile touched my face – the late Royce King. At least I knew he'd never hurt another girl again. I had made sure of that.

When Alice had met Jasper, she'd complained that he'd kept her waiting, and it had been endearing. But when Royce had seen me on that street and complained of the same thing…

Alice never understood why I didn't smile at that part of her story. I didn't tell her.

But the truth was that all my options, all my dreams had been taken away from me when Carlisle saw me laying on the pavement that night and made the impulsive decision to turn me. I suppose I'm glad he did – after all, I have Emmett, and I'll never regret gaining my husband. But sometimes, in my darkest thoughts, I wonder if I would have been better off bleeding to death on that empty street, dying free rather than trapped by all these restrictions that I've never felt I deserved.

I can't think that way for long. Maybe it's the ultimate display of my vanity – that I can't bear to give this body, this life up.

And when Edward had scoffed at Carlisle's decision to turn me, I knew rejection for the first time. I was only slightly mollified by the beautiful reflection in my mirror. And when he came home, eyes shining, full of thoughts about this girl, this _human_ girl, as if she was better than me somehow… She was everything I should have been and had lost.

Now she wants to throw it all away. She could have everything. Everything! And she willingly tosses it out the window like it doesn't matter. All my hopes and dreams, every desire that I've never voiced but have always felt. She could have that child, that husband, that _life_ that I would kill for and she still says she wants to die.

"No." Bella's face was carefully blank, and I knew that she was trying to not take it personally. A slight pang went through my dead heart – it wasn't _really_ her fault. She didn't – couldn't – know what she was giving up, having never experienced those things. Really, she was a nice enough girl.

"Let me explain," I said, biting my lip. It felt strange, to be justifying myself to her. "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

But there hadn't been. And I know that in the end, my "no" wouldn't be enough to save this girl's life either.


	5. Emmett

_I nodded slowly, and then turned to Emmett._

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

I always had a soft spot for Bella – she was like the cool baby sister I'd never had. Absolutely adorable, with her klutziness and her little endearing human habits. She took everything in stride, didn't even seem bothered by the fact that my favorite meal was the blood of an irritated grizzly bear. How many people can say that? 

We also shared the common experience of falling in love with a vampire while still human.

Of course, I'd barely been conscious at the time. I had thought Rosalie was an angel, and that I'd finally died from that stupid bear. Lying in the middle of that forest, watching the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen fight an enormous grizzly with inhuman strength – who would blame me for thinking I'd died? I had fought every second to keep my eyes open, terrified that if they closed the Angel would leave and I'd have to move on, never seeing her again.

When Alice, Edward, and Bella had gotten off that plane, Bella had been exhausted. Her feet were dragging, her eyes puffy and red, and her skin was paler than usual. But she still had that determined look – one I was seeing right now, actually – and she kept her eyes open, drinking in Edward's face, refusing to look away in case he disappeared again.

That was when I fully understood what existed between them.

When I had woken up from the change to find that the Angel was real, tangible, and refused to leave my side, I gave up all misgivings. So I had been turned into an undead creature that drank blood? Cool. I wasn't allowed to drink from humans? Well, that did end up being rough… but Rosalie was there the whole time and I made it through somewhat intact. Where she went, I went. If my Rosalie was a Vampire, then it couldn't be that bad.

I remembered once telling Bella that hell wasn't so bad if you get to keep an angel with you, and looking at Edward's face, I decided it went both ways. He may think he's in hell, but that girl would bring him out of it in time, and goodness knows they'll have a lot of _that_. And she may suffer at first, but the fact that she'll be with Edward will make it much easier.

I had told Edward it was inevitable, and he refused to accept it. But at this point, it had gone beyond his reach – there was no way I'd ever regret taking Rosalie's hand that day and accepting these changes as long as I could be with her. He'd realize it some day.

I grinned. There was only one downside to this whole thing. But that was okay… "Hell yes! We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."


	6. Esme

_I was still grimacing at that when I looked at __Esme__…_

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

Life could be cruel. 

I knew that, perhaps more than the others, except Alice. Both of us had led unfulfilling human lives, simply scraping by, until our times came.

For me, I had never known real love. My parents were indifferent – I was an average child, fated to lead an average life. Marry, bear children, and die early. I had fully intended to follow that plan. I was reconciled to it.

My first husband, Charles Evenson, was not a nice man. He passed my parent's inspection with flying colors simply because he had a bank account and table manners. I was the only one who knew that he was angry – too angry – and when he'd been out late drinking I would later bear the evidence of it on my skin.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was the happiest day of my miserable life. I'd had school friends who had followed a similar path, and had watched them give birth to beautiful, innocent children. Children who loved completely and were free of any restrictions from the world, at least for those few precious years. And for the first time, I had hope. I had a plan. As soon as Charles was drafted into the war, I made my escape to start a new life, just me and my son.

His little body was barely exposed to air before his lungs grew infected and he died.

No husband, no child, no parents to run to since I'd disgraced the family by running away. There had been nothing left for me – and I truly felt I was really doing myself a favor by throwing myself off that cliff.

But when I awoke in a warm bed, with new smells and sharper vision, I panicked. The only thing that kept me from drifting into insanity was his face – Carlisle Cullen. He'd set a broken leg for me when I was 10, so I knew who he was. And as he explained what had happened – that he'd seen me lying in that morgue and had changed me into a Vampire – I clutched his arms like I was drowning.

We married 6 months later.

Being changed was the best thing that had happened to me, and I never regretted it. Not only did I find a husband, but 5 children as well, who I loved as if they were my own. And they were, in every sense that mattered. I had always known I was meant to be a mother, and now I had the role until the end of time.

It hurt, watching Edward drift farther and farther away over the years. Sometimes I wondered if it was something I had done, and sometimes I thought he disliked our way of life, but he always came back home to me.

Until her. Until Isabella Swan. The minute he heard of her death, he went to Italy and didn't look back once. I had spent a day thinking he was dead, and now I knew that there was more to being a mother then just loving your child during good times. The relief I felt when I saw him again was extreme, and when he gave me that lop-sided grin and promised never to leave again, I wanted nothing more than to burst into tears.

Somehow, this girl had entered all of our lives and made herself an inevitability. Edward couldn't live without her. Our family wasn't whole without Edward. And she had saved his life – that made her more than family in my eyes.

No, I wouldn't go through this again. I refused to let her die 50, 60, even 70 years from now and lose Edward. Because I knew in my heart that though she had saved him this time, there would come a day when she would be unable to go find him.

"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family." I said. She will be my daughter and Edward's savior, I smiled to myself. Until the end of time.


	7. Carlisle

_"Thank you, __Esme__," I murmured as I turned towards Carlisle._

_I was suddenly nervous, wishing I had asked for his vote first. I was sure that this was the vote that mattered most, the vote that __counted more than any majority._

_ Chapter 24: Vote, __New Moon__, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

So it had finally come to this – I supposed I was no longer surprised by anything this girl did, but there was something slightly strange about calling a vote to decide upon one girl's mortality. 

Ironic, perhaps. Rather like the judgment my father had always spoken of, after death. To decide upon the direction a soul would take – towards eternal rapture, or eternal damnation.

I wasn't sure which one was which in this case.

80 years I had watched my son struggle through life alone. 80 years I had blamed myself. Perhaps he was changed too early – or I hadn't done enough to convince him of his worth. I had tried, to be sure, even going so far as to intend Rosalie for him, but he refused with a stubbornness and determination that amazed even I, who had felt true loathing for the monster inside of all of us. When Edward wanted his way, he would cling to it, and I knew he was determined to keep this girl's mortality intact.

But then again, that same resolve was present in Bella's face, as she calmly stared down a room full of Vampires. She should have been terrified – have run screaming the first time she knew what we were. But she hadn't.

And in return, I had seen a light return to Edward's eyes that had been missing for so long that I'd barely realized it had gone out. In that instant, I truly realized: Edward would not be taking her soul – she would be giving his back to him.

Edward had a point that Demetri would probably not be able to find Bella, I knew that. And I knew that he would enjoy fighting the creature that had come to harm his companion.

But I also knew that wasn't _really_ the issue here.

I had listened carefully as the others cast their votes, not surprised by any of them. Bella was already a daughter and a sister to us; to the others, it seemed only natural to induct her to this way of life, or in Rosalie and Edward's cases, to save her from it.

So it was with resigned eyes that I looked at the boy – or rather, man – that I had called son for so long. "Edward…"

He knew what I would say. That my vote counted more than the others – that I could turn her, even if he would not. There was a faint growl in his voice. "No."

"It's the only way that makes sense," I tried to calm him. And truly, it was. "You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."

I felt remorse as he stalked away from the table, finally realizing that he was fighting a losing battle. But I knew I had decided. For as much as I thought that Bella should have all the opportunities we had been denied, I couldn't stand to give up my first son – not again. Not after I had spent a day thinking he was about to die.

"I guess you know my vote." I sighed, and winced as a crash rang from the other room. Edward was furious – probably would be for some time, but he didn't seem to see the truth.

She was already one of us in all the ways that truly mattered.


End file.
